Some experts (for example, Kalla J. Knopman in the already mentioned How to Measure  Your Cat’s IQ) say we shouldn’t talk “human” to cats. Instead, we should try to imitate their language so that they, in turn, can imitate us.

My experience with Wolfram Chettoh, whom I’ve owned for more than thirteen years, tells a different story. Cats have no problem understanding our language. Sometimes they may ignore us, but it’s almost always a pretense. So, there is no need to make ourselves ridiculous with pitiful attempts at feline language. Cats will usually act disgusted and annoyed when not outright scared.

Indeed, devilish genius cats can choose several ways to communicate with humans.

Wolfie Chettoh can do the following:

VERBAL COMMUNICATION:

(1) meowing:

This is standard cat talk. However, Chettoh seldom meows, with rare exceptions. When he was a kitten, Chettoh used soft meowing for whatever necessity. Then, his communication techniques began to diversify as his cognitive function evolved.

(2) complaining:

This is a long, high-pitched lament. Chettoh complains when he fears I might forget about him. It happens either when I come home after a long day at work, and I’m not fast enough to take care of his needs before anything else or when I’m about to leave. Chettoh always knows when I’m getting ready for work (see the previous post). Other occasions to complain are when I’m doing something stupid and pointless (from a cat’s point of view), like trying to fix a bathroom leak or another emergency around the house. Chettoh doesn’t like intense noises, like hammering on something or vacuum-cleaning.

A variant of the complaint sound is the “hurry up” call. This is a fast, impatient “meow,” telling you to get a move on when filling Chettoh’s bowl.

(3) chirping:

A deep, short rumble is Chettoh’s way of thanking you. Most of the time, Chettoh is a well-behaved cat, so he’ll say “thank you”  when you feed him, stroke his head, or indulge him, like when he wants me to pick up and carry him to his food bowl. In general, Chettoh chirps to greet you when he wakes up after one of his frequent naps.

(4) growling:

Chettoh seldom growls, but when he’s distraught. As I explained in the previous posts, he’s been my favorite pet for thirteen years. During this time, we only had a few fights, most of which can be attributed to my (often) limited understanding of a cat’s personality and behavior. For example, I thought I’d lost my precious iPhone a couple of years ago. Before I found out I’d forgotten it in a restaurant, I was so upset that I began muttering: “Oh my goodness! Where is the f… phone? What am I going to do? My phone! Oh no, I lost my phone!” And so on. Now, cats are good judges of human moods. Chettoh, in particular, immediately understands when I’m annoyed, even from rooms away. The only problem is that he usually thinks I’m angry AT HIM. Consequently, before I turn aggressive (I wouldn’t, but that’s what his predator mind tells him), he hits first. Before fully grasping what was going on, I realized the growling little monster had sunk his teeth and claws into my right shin.

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION:

(5) purring:

As a kitten, Chettoh seldom purred. Only when I picked him up, and he wanted to show his harmlessness, did he display this most peculiar cat behavior. Getting older and more socially clever, Chettoh purrs much more often. For example, he purrs when he greets me after work, when he’s eating, when he lies on my computer keyboard (and I’m trying to use it) when my friends come to visit, and they want to cuddle him, and also when I’m sad, and he wants to cheer me up. However, as most cat owners know, cats purr not only when they are happy or friendly. Some cats will purr when sick or aching, like a she-cat I used to have as a teenager, who softly purred right until she died (probably from eating poisoned food).

(6) twitching the tail:

Like most adult cats, Chettoh “speaks” a lot with his tail. This happens when he is happy (vertical, parading tail) or angry (low, left-to-right, fast swishing tail). Indeed, a sure indicator that a cat is about to attack is the rapid movement of its tail. This happened on the occasion I told above. However, I didn’t know my kitty enough at the time to catch the red flag. Chettoh also uses his tail when he’s too lazy to meow. For example, when Chettoh is pretending to sleep next to where I’m working at home, if I ask him a question like: “Did you eat your food?” or: “Would you like some more food?” he twitches his tail twice. Of course, if the question is, “Did you make that mess in the carpet?” he puts on his “Sleeping Furry Beauty” act, worthy of an Academy Award. Sometimes, Chettoh uses his tail to express curiosity. When he’s investigating a strange noise, for instance, or trying a new kind of food, he shapes his tail like a question mark.

(7) rubbing the head on your leg, ankle, or a nearby object:

Apart from the usual rubbing against your ankles, which many cats use to transfer their scent and claim you as “property,” grown cats may use this kind of non-verbal communication for more complex reasons. Lately, for example, Chettoh has adopted what I call the “Muttley talk,”  from the name of the dog character in the 70s Hanna-Barbera Productions TV series Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines. In that funny cartoon, Muttley, the dog, used to point at his chest to ask for a medal. Similarly, when Chettoh wants to be stroked, he first jumps on the nearby tallest spot, then rubs his head on something and repeatedly points at it with his right paw.

Rating Chettoh’s non-verbal communication:

According to Kalla J. Knopman’s Measure Your Cat’s IQ,

(a) “if your cat has a unique way of expressing itself […], give kitty 5 points.”

       As explained above, Chettoh has many peculiar ways to express himself, like the “Muttley Talk,” so I’ll award him five points;

(b) “Give 3 points if the kitty meows to get your attention when another cat or human does something wrong.”

       Chettoh doesn’t meet many people, so when he meows at someone, that’s usually me. Three more points to Chettoh, then.